Translation guide for flat hunting in London

I’ve been really lucky since I left uni because I’ve only ever lived with friends. One of my closest friends and housemate is moving to Oslo in 3 days and I have nowhere to live. Thankfully living in London has that one perk – people seem to be a bit blasé about having a roof over ones head. So over the last 4 weeks I’ve been scouring Facebook groups, and gumtree for somewhere to live – I’ve seen a lot of bullsh*t so I’m here to tell you what I’ve learned about de-coding flat descriptions in London.

I knew that I didn’t want to live alone a) because I don’t own a money tree despite my love of plants b) I feel like it would be quite lonely and I love the idea of coming home and having a natter and a cup of tea with someone. But one thing I’ve learned about flat-hunting is that a trusting attitude can leave you in a pretty rubbish situation. I was strung along for a few weeks by some girls who told me their friend was moving in at the last moment. This left me in the lurch so here are my tips for making flat hunting a bit simpler for you:

Cosy Room: “Literally couldn’t swing a gerbil in here let alone a cat”

Not Anal: (get your mind out of the gutter) “we are total slobs and don’t want to live with someone who judges us for it”

Live in Landlord: “I don’t really want you here but I also want to pay for a really nice holiday”

Clean & quiet: “Don’t speak to me or look at me – I want you to be invisible”

Vegetarian/ Vegan house: “Don’t even contemplate bringing food into the house that’s not plant based”

Cat Lovers: “I’m a crazy cat lady – I need you to move in so that if I die someone will know”

Warehouse: “We are arty… if you’re not, don’t consider applying”

Capital Letters: “Desperate”

Situated in prime location: “There’s basically a motorway outside your front door”

Housemates who do their own thing: “we’re not in this to make friends we just live in the same building”

Free weekly cleaning: “It’s not free… just count it in the price”

I’m proud to present: “Annoying agent”